Are you stuck in grievances, judgments and blame? Are you upset with your ex? Do you have recurring thoughts of anger and bitterness? Are you ruminating over past hurts? How will this affect your next relationship?
As a singles coach specialized in mindful dating after adversity, I often get asked about how to overcome the past to allow for new love. This brings up complex feelings about forgiveness.
What does it mean to truly forgive another person?
We hear the term ‘forgive and forget’ quite a bit, but forgetting major hurts or betrayals in relationships simply isn’t possible. However, forgiveness at its core has nothing to do with exonerating the other person or reconciling the relationship necessarily. Rather, it means undergoing an internal emotional process to achieve inner peace.
True forgiveness means consciously acknowledging what was done, how it impacted you, feeling the fair emotions from it whether anger, sadness or disappointment, yet deliberately deciding to release the bitterness. This allows us to regain empathy that all humans fail and make regrettable decisions at times, while fully separating our self-worth from how someone else behaved. We can recognize their flaws or mistakes without harsh judgment. This compassion creates emotional space to process hurt as a life lesson rather than weaponizing it against a person or entire gender moving forward.
How do we forgive ourselves?
The same concepts apply when we forgive ourselves – we thoroughly examine our own regrets, sit with uncomfortable guilt/shame without getting absorbed in it, talk kindly to ourselves, and own how we might approach a similar situation differently now.
Growth comes through radical self-responsibility. This self-forgiveness breeds the confidence to apply lessons learned to show up as our best selves. The more we practice re-framing hurts into universal life teachings that made us wiser and stronger through personal accountability, the deeper our capacity to forgive.
Why should I forgive my ex?
Why can’t I just move on without forgiving them after a messy breakup or betrayal?
After an ex has betrayed trust or deeply hurt you, the common reaction is wishing to label them as a deceptive person and protect your still-healing heart by cutting ties completely. However, without inner resolution, anger and resentment often still follow us into future relationships or turn into depression and self-blame.
Forgiveness isn’t excusing what someone did or reconciling the friendship necessarily. Rather it’s consciously deciding to release the reasonable grudge and victimhood from the forefront of your mind. This allows space for understanding all humans make regrettable mistakes but aren’t inherently evil.
Why does forgiveness matter?
Here’s why it matters – only focusing on their wrongs makes you dwell in victimhood and blocks opening your heart. Practicing forgiveness exercises helps process justified feelings and reclaim your dignity and self-worth – you regain agency over how impacted you’ll stay.
Meditations and journaling can facilitate no longer carrying negative baggage. With self-empathy first, you’ll feel confident setting boundaries if that ex returns, while also feeling less resentment toward new partners who’ve done no wrong.
Forgiveness is entirely for your peace of mind, not anyone else’s comfort. I suggest trying it not to excuse them but rather be fully ready when someone capable and trustworthy does arrive. You deserve to enter new relationships from a place of inner lightness versus darkness after hurt.
How do I talk to future dating partners about betrayals or hurt I’ve experienced without seeming bitter or carrying baggage?
It’s completely understandable to feel worried about discussing past relationship hurts with new dating partners. You don’t want to come across as fixated on the past or project bitterness onto someone innocent. However, these formative experiences still shape you, and vulnerability breeds intimacy. It is possible to share previous scars thoughtfully when you feel safe and seen with the right partner.
Rather than treating romantic betrayals like shocking breaking news that elicits pity, I suggest referencing them gracefully as insight into what shapes you. For example, if you’re guarding your heart due to previous cheating, you could say “In the interest of openness, I moved cautiously in my last relationship at first because I’ve been lied to. But I did the work to process it. Now I simply have an appreciation for honest communication and consistency.”
The keys are owning you aren’t a victim, taking responsibility for managing your reactions, and conveying hurt as something that taught you to have standards – not bitterness. Share from a place of self-confidence to establish that while betrayal left a mark, it didn’t break you. This demonstrates resilience and that you know what you need to feel safe again. The right partner will respect those self-protective instincts born of experience. We all have relationship baggage so bring yours into the light confidently as lessons that helped you grow.
Isn’t forgiveness enabling bad behavior?
True forgiveness does not mean justifying harmful actions, nor condoning poor treatment. What felt wrong still is. However, as we forgive, the distressed emotions we’ve carried begin melting away. We regain authority over our mind’s interpretations, rather than giving that power to difficult people and events.
How does forgiveness apply to dating?
In applying this to modern dating, forgiveness can be a powerful beginning to opening our heart again after past hurts. By fully processing and releasing old anger, distrust or shame, we make room for cleaner slate relationships not overly colored by the past. We also reduce knee-jerk projections of expectations from previous partners onto new lovely prospects. This way we can related to their authentic selves clearly in the present, not just our old stories.
Forgiveness is thus an inside job of correction within our own mind first. We must become willing to see truth through eyes of compassion rather than judgment towards those who contributed to our suffering. To offer that same grace to ourselves for all in which we fell short. This frees us to relate to new potential partners through the lens of possibility once more rather than the hum of old pain.
How do I forgive?
Forgiveness requires active inner work – it rarely happens automatically. We essentially need to create mental/emotional space between our sense of wellbeing and what someone else did or failed to do. This comes from intentionally processing feelings.
Here are a few methods:
- Mantra meditation focused on self-compassion. Flowing phrases like “I release this burden and reclaim my light” or “I honor my emotions without being beholden to them” can reorient your mindset.
- Stream-of-conscious journaling. Let sentences flow raw and unfiltered. Release via burning/shredding pages if helpful.
- Loving-kindness letter writing – both to self and the person who caused hurt. Express wounds and disappointments compassionately, shift perspective on motivations, reassert dignity. Whether you send them is optional.
- Visualization of radical acceptance regarding situation and human fallibility. Picture negative emotions fading as lessons while forgiving self and others.
These methods facilitate breaking harmful mental loops so forgiveness can take their place. Consistency is important- be patient and keep deepening the work when you feel bitterness creeping back in. You’ll get to the other side!
What is the spiritual nature of forgiveness?
In exploring this, I have found wisdom in the classic text A Course in Miracles (ACIM). While ACIM has Christian roots, its teachings on forgiveness are universal.
ACIM sees forgiveness as the path out of perceived separation and suffering in human relations. It is the means through which we release layered judgments we have projected onto others and back unto ourselves. We free both them and us to relate through the eyes of love.
While forgiveness is not easy spiritual work, embracing it can profoundly shift how we move forward in dating and relating. We reclaim confidence, hope and access to deeper connections. This ripples new life across all our affairs.
Support
To explore supporting you on your own path of forgiveness and forward movement into mindful dating success, please contact me. Wishing you much love, healing and companionship ahead on your journey.
© Dating Intentionally | All rights reserved
