You meet someone, conversation clicks effortlessly, you laugh at each other’s jokes and time flies by. Before you know it, you’re spending every weekend together caught up in long phone calls, fun activities and steamy nights. The excitement of connecting with someone new is a thrill! You share laughs over dinner, find common interests during long talks, and generally enjoy each other’s company. It’s only natural to assume this good time means you’re building a solid foundation for a future together. So, it’s a fantastic match, right? You have so much fun – surely you’re destined for coupled bliss?
Not so fast. There’s a gigantic difference between a fun, recreational dating relationship and a supportive, long-haul partnership built to go the distance through life’s ups and downs. This is the Compatibility Dating Trap.
When returning to dating after divorce or loss of a partner, having lighthearted, enjoyable dates can seem like the perfect antidote to former relationship woes. The laughter, flirtation and thrill of new romance definitely feeds the soul. In the moment, this recreational connection feels promising. We assume our dynamic chemistry signals we’ve met “the one.”
But in reality, we often lack deeper compatibility. Short-term dating fun differs vastly from long-term relationship needs.
Casual companionship revolves around enjoyment in the moment. But seeking a lifetime mate requires rigorously assessing alignment on core values, communication styles, emotional temperament, financial approaches, intimacy, spirituality, and much more. Great conversations and common interests alone don’t indicate a good life partnership match.
Fun during those initial coffee dates or museum outings focuses on surface-level connections. But relationships require aligning on much deeper levels like core values, communication styles, visions for the future, financial approaches, intimacy needs, and personality meshing. Just because a dating partner is enjoyable recreationally in the moment doesn’t mean it’ll fundamentally work for the long run.
The Compatibility Trap ensnares singles who believe recreational dating compatibility guarantees relationship success. We date casually based on attraction and surface-level fun, then quickly slide into exclusivity. But when the thrill of the courtship chase ends, we’re left with unbridgeable gaps in conflict resolution, intimacy, and life vision. The fun fizzles as we realize we’re fundamentally mismatched.
Many couples realize this painful truth after already entangling lives through moving in, combining finances, or even marriage. What felt like compatibility at first reveals major incompatibilities once the “honeymoon phase” ends. Suddenly, unsolvable problems crop up that doom the relationship.
As mature daters, we have to approach dating mindfully, not passively. That means actively distinguishing between a dating match versus a lifetime mate. When seeking a committed relationship rather than a casual fling, the vetting process requires far more rigor.
While you should absolutely enjoy dating, approach commitment consciously. Define your full relationship requirements first. Resist settling for a recreational connection that doesn’t fulfill your entire wish list, no matter how fun it feels initially. Evaluate each potential partner rigorously before advancing to exclusivity.
This is why enjoyable dates may not lead to relationship success. Before making a commitment, be sure all your relationship requirements are being met.
For more information about the Compatibility Trap, see the book “Conscious Dating” by David Steele.
Do you want help with finding a healthy, fulfilling relationship? If so, please contact me.
© Relationship Coaching Institute | All rights reserved | Adapted with permission
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